Fuzzy and Harriet
(Washington Post, Sunday Magazine, 11/06/05)
By Gene Weingarten

Before initiating the writing of a newspaper column in which the implementation of a plan of humor is to be effectuated, the prioritization of goal-oriented objectives is warranted so as to rhetorically establish, by effective utilization of satirical example, that Harriet Miers writes this way.

She does. Harriet would have been a very scary Supreme Court justice, but not for the reasons that doomed her. Much was made of her religious convictions, her lightweight constitutional background, and her high regard for George W. Bush -- her admiration of his intellect, her support for his conservative policies, her willingness to do his laundry, etc. But her writing was especially instructive. Did you see it? Her prose makes an apartment lease read like Hemingway. She is windier than Katrina, wordier than Roget, blander than a Perry Como-Barry Manilow duet. In the passive voice are written all her sentences, and they are as convoluted as Einstein's brain. And yet for all this jargonized verbiage, she never quite gets to the, you know.

Here is an actual quote from one of Harriet's legal articles:

"We have to understand and appreciate that achieving justice for all is in jeopardy before a call to arms to assist in obtaining support for the justice system will be effective."

Here's another:

"An organization must also implement programs to fulfill strategies established through its goals and mission . . . With the framework of mission, goals, strategies, programs, and methods for evaluation in place, a meaningful budgeting process can begin."

Now, I'm not saying that you have to be a great writer to be a Supreme Court justice, but clarity helps. Brevity, too. Imagine the decisions that would have been written by a Justice Miers:

Brown v. Board of Education , as written by Chief Justice Earl Warren:

"We conclude that, in the field of public education, the doctrine of 'separate but equal' has no place. Separate educational facilities are inherently unequal."

Brown v. Board of Education , as written by Harriet Miers:

"We conclude that, in the field of public education, it

cannot be contended that what fails to be non-separate can be construed to be not unequal. In facilitating facilities-planning, it is essential that educational institutions that lack un-identical facilities and faculties are inconsistent with what is not undesirable, so help us God."

- - -

This is not unimportant stuff. The fact is, history pivots on clarity. Imagine Nathan Hale, on the gallows, summarizing eloquently and succinctly the emotional commitment that united the colonists in their battle to be recognized as a free and independent state. Imagine how it must have energized the faithful when news of his brave final words spread:

"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country."

Now imagine Harriet, with equal bravery and equally noble intent, on those same gallows:

"It is indeed regrettable, under circumstances such as those in which we find ourselves, that, having been afforded an opportunity to articulate such thoughts, ruminations, postulations and explanatory remarks as might be appropriate considering the exigencies of the gaaack . . ."

I'm sorry the nomination was pulled, because wouldn't it have been great if, in an effort to save her, she got some writing advice from the man whom she declared "brilliant," her mentor, George W. Bush? Whatever his flaws, it can never be argued that George, in his tireless fight against evildoers and enemies of freedom, makes things seem more complicated than they are.

Imagine being a fly on the wall during the instructional sessions:

George: Harriet, your writing needs to more simplificationalized.

Harriet: But, George, sometimes the contextualization that is necessitated by complexities of situational options and nuanced subtleties of interpretation requires modes of expression that are not incompatible with the failure to not communicate with occasional ambiguities.

George: Harriet, Harriet, Harriet. Speaking with clearness and simplitude are one of the most important tenants of a free society. "Tenants" is a word that means "principles."

Harriet: I don't understand. Regarding the things to which I am addressing myself, I fail to discern a lack of precision of language, expression, contention or argument.

George: No, no, no! There you go again, overexplanificating.

-----

P.S. Harriet's withdrawal letter contains this line: "I have decided that seeking my confirmation should yield."

Writing is For Jocks Too

By Dave Sheinin

ANAHEIM, Calif., Oct. 13 -- Josh Paul attended Vanderbilt University, an English major with a soft spot for "Beowulf" and Yeats. "They taught me," he said of his English professors, "how to express myself through writing. What a gift that is. It opened up a whole new world to me." These days, whenever his day job -- as the Los Angeles Angels' third-string catcher -- permits, Paul spends long hours writing his first book, a work of nonfiction on a subject close to his heart.

"It's about catching strategy -- all the subtle things that go into the job," Paul said Wednesday afternoon, as the Angels took batting practice at Chicago's U.S. Cellular Field before Game 2 of the American League Championship Series.

As part of his research, he has interviewed several former and current major league catchers -- including his Angels manager, Mike Scioscia, and Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk, the former Chicago White Sox catcher who was Paul's idol as a kid growing up in suburban Buffalo Grove, Ill.

"And," Paul said, before jumping into the batting cage to take his hacks, "I've got some pretty cool interviews set up this winter."

Some five hours later, near the end of that night's game, Paul would be part of a bizarre and critical play that may force him to rework the introduction to his book, or at the very least, add another chapter. He could call it, "Never Assume -- Or, Why You Should Always Tag the Batter On a Pitch That Might Have Been In the Dirt, Even If It Really Wasn't."

With the Angels and the White Sox tied at 1, and with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning, Paul -- who, unlike the Angels' starting catcher, Bengie Molina, is entrusted to call pitches -- caught what appeared to be the third strike of an inning-ending strikeout, a split-fingered pitch that Angels reliever Kelvim Escobar threw past White Sox batter A.J. Pierzynski.

But in a sequence of events that has dominated the discourse around the ALCS the past 24 hours, and that has given Paul by far his biggest measure of fame as a big leaguer -- albeit for reasons he would rather not be famous for -- Paul rolled the ball back to the mound, Pierzynski ran to first base, and home plate umpire Doug Eddings ruled that the pitch was in the dirt and Pierzynski was safe at first.

The third out would never come. With the winning run now on base -- technically, on an error charged to Paul -- the White Sox' next batter, Joe Crede, lined a game-winning double off Escobar into the left field corner to send the series to Anaheim tied at one game apiece. Game 3 is Friday night.

"I caught the ball," Paul said in measured tones after the game. "When you catch the ball, you just walk off the field."

Paul, 30, was not available to the media on Thursday. The Angels were given a day off following a grueling travel schedule that has seen them play four games in four nights in New York, Anaheim and Chicago.

However, in Buffalo Grove on Thursday, Paul's parents were greeted all day long by a parade of local television and newspaper reporters, who remembered Paul fondly from his days as a high school star and also from the years he spent with the White Sox from 1999 to 2003.

"The majority of people realize the umpire made a mistake, that [the umpiring crew] tried to cover up," Bill Paul, Josh's father, said Thursday in a telephone interview. ". . . If the ball had been in the dirt, Josh would have reached over and tagged A.J. on the rear end."

Still, in places other than Southern California and the Chicago suburbs, Paul is taking almost as much heat for the Angels' loss as Eddings, whose possibly errant ruling that the pitch was in the dirt (video replays were inconclusive) was compounded by the fact he made the signal for "you're out" -- a raised fist -- which the Angels took to mean he had called Pierzynski out.

With so much ambiguity, Paul, according to the critics, should have just tagged Pierzynski immediately -- even if there was only the slightest bit of question whether he had caught the ball above the ground.

"If anybody's putting the blame on [Paul], that's unfair," said White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko, Paul's former teammate, on Thursday. "He's as innocent as the guy playing right field. Any catcher in the league, they're going to do the same thing."

However, when Pierzynski was asked what he would do in a similar situation as the one that Paul faced, he said, "Usually, you'd tag the guy, or whatever."

It was almost comical that the other protagonist in this drama was Pierzynski, himself a catcher, with a personality that is the polar opposite of Paul's. While Pierzynski often grates on opponents and teammates alike with his annoying chatter and mannerisms -- a Pierzynski specialty is elbowing batters and stepping on their bat as they leave the batter's box -- Paul is universally beloved by anyone he comes in contact with.

The first time Paul was invited to an interview room for a postgame news conference -- after hitting his first big league homer on April 24, 2000 -- Paul told the assembled media that he had an opening statement he'd like to make, then, looking straight into the cameras, said, "I am not a crook."

In later years with the White Sox, Paul grew to be so popular with fans and left so many tickets for friends and family, he became known, mockingly, as "Pope Josh Paul." He also wrote a touching piece for the Chicago Tribune when a former Vanderbilt teammate died in the Sept. 11 attacks on New York City.

The events of Wednesday night's wild ninth inning may not have done much for Paul's catching career, but for a writer there is nothing like a wealth of good material to make a story sing.

Cyber-Catharsis: Bloggers Use Web Sites as Therapy

By Yuki Noguchi
(The Washington Post, Front Page, October 12, 2005)

Walker White never kept a diary, but when his wife, Lindsay, was diagnosed with lymphoma in April, he started a Web log.

What began as a message center about tests, spinal taps and diagnoses evolved into a kind of personal journal, he said. "It became pretty clear to me it was an outlet for me," said White, 39, who lives and works in Washington. "I think it made me think through the issue and it made me think about what lay behind us and what lay ahead of us."

The Internet is now teeming with some 15 million blogs. Although the medium first drew mainstream attention with commentary on high-profile events such as the presidential election, many now use it to chronicle intensely personal experiences, venting confessions in front of millions of strangers who can write back.

Nearly half of bloggers consider it a form of therapy, according to a recent survey sponsored by America Online Inc. And although some psychologists question the use of the Internet for therapy, one hospital in High Point, N.C., started devoting space to patients' blogs on its Web site, a practice Inova Fairfax Hospital is also considering.

The patients use only first names on their blogs. Mary, a patient at the High Point Regional Health System, started blogging about ups and downs following her mini-gastric bypass surgery in March.

"Before having this surgery, I could look at the largest person on earth and think I was as big or bigger," she wrote.

The project has been so successful -- both as a marketing tool for the hospital and a form of group therapy for patients who get feedback from their readers -- that High Point is considering adding video blogs, said Eric Fletcher, a spokesman for the hospital.

Most individual bloggers use Internet sites like Google, Yahoo, Lycos, MSN and AOL, which offer free software for users to set up their blog and add or withdraw comments. Blogs are different from the personal Web pages that were popular a few years ago because they are more interactive, designed to look like a dialogue between the blogger and the audience.

Although AOL provides tools that allow bloggers to limit their audience to selected viewers, most don't, said Bill Schreiner, vice president for AOL's community programming. "It's like they're writing the novel of their lives, and [public] participation adds truth to their story."

Blogging combines two recommended techniques for people to work through problems: writing in a journal and using a computer to type out thoughts. Some bloggers say the extra dimension of posting thoughts on the Web enables them to broach difficult subjects with loved ones, as well as reap support from a virtual community of people they don't know.

"I think it's a way of validating feelings. It's a way of purging things inside of you," said Judith HeartSong, a 41-year-old Rockville artist. As a child, she kept diaries filled with anguished accounts of abuse hidden under her bed, she said, but now she posts entries on the Web.

"This month is the third anniversary of my sobriety . . . three years totally free of alcohol," HeartSong wrote in a recent Web log entry. "Next month is the third-year anniversary of my leaving my old life."

Although it may feel good to blog, psychologists warn that going public with private musings may have ramifications, and that little research has been done on the consequences of the Internet confessional.

"I certainly don't advise anyone to do it. They're taking a big risk," said Patricia Wallace, a psychologist and researcher at Johns Hopkins University and author of "The Psychology of the Internet." People open themselves up to cruel comments, and worse: identity theft, for instance, or even losing a job for kvetching about a boss.

HeartSong said most of her reader comments are positive, but that she does get occasional attacks. At one point, she received so many hostile and threatening e-mails from a reader that she asked AOL to intervene and prevent the man from contacting her again, she said.

Some bloggers are unprepared for the attention and don't realize that what seems to be a disposable medium is anything but.

"It seems that although we tell people that the Internet is a public space, people just don't get it," said Susan B. Barnes, associate director of the Lab for Social Computing at the Rochester Institute for Technology, which studies social issues in computing. A blogger can erase a previous entry, but it's often saved on an Internet server and remains visible for years to come. "If you have a journal, that's your private journal, and it's assumed that you can control your journal. But what if it's online?"

White initially felt cloaked from public view by the vastness of the Internet, assuming that few people would be interested in his inner thoughts. But he was wrong: "You find out pretty quickly that a lot of people you don't expect to read it, read it."

Despite the element of risk, the relationships that develop between the writer and the audience can become very real, said Matthew G. Kirschenbaum, assistant professor of English at the University of Maryland, who studies blogs.

Pamela Hilger, for example, considers herself a member of a very tightknit community of dozens of people who read each others' online journals -- even though, after more than two years, most know her only by her first name.

"My father used to say, 'You don't air your dirty laundry in public,' " she said. But now Hilger, who lives in Los Gatos, Calif., said she shares nearly everything online, including photos of scars from the surgery she had after her lung cancer was diagnosed in June. "After I was diagnosed, the first people I turned to are my friends and journaling buddies," said Hilger, who reads about 50 other blogs. "They're never failing with support and encouragement."

Her readers send e-mails if she doesn't post daily messages. Some want to start an online fund to help pay her medical bills. When her fellow blogger's brother split from his wife, several online friends drove hundreds of miles to save the man's dogs from the pound where the wife had left them.

"With my blog, I've learned how to share things with people that are close to me," including her sister and her 14-year-old daughter and 20-year-old son, she said. But of the 6,271 comments she has received over the years, most are from complete strangers who found her online. "Sometimes it's easier to write about it to 1,000 strangers than to sit face to face with someone you know well."

I present this picture, originally painted in reverse on glass by Michael Skrovina of Bratislava, Slovakia, as a foreshadowing of the holiday season. Happy Halloween, THanksgiving, and Christmas. May you eat, drink, and be merry in the snow. Death is always the backdrop even of our happiest moments. Don't let it get you down.

Classes have begun with the usual blend of confusion and promise.
We have been given a gift today, the execution of Paul Hill,
the notorious abortion-doctor killer who said that he was acting according
to the word of God.
How does one know that one knows what one knows?
How does one know what is real?
Where do the voices that we listen to come from anyhow?
Putting down any belief as obsessive is far too easy. After all, we all have to believe something
in order to get through any day. Passivity is not an option, other than after suicide.
If we must act, then we must have some basis upon which to act. What exactly?
Paul Hill thought he knew the will of God. SO did Charlie Manson. But so also did John Brown
and Martin Luther King, Jr. and others we revere as saints.
How does anyone know?

Email the other day froma guy who claimed to work as a pimp for one of DC's oldest
gay escort services led me eventually to his blog and to the discovery of the wonders
of this form of communication. Who'd a thunk it? What he had to say was not only smart
but touching. Part of it was a response to a revised section of SinBoldly I had sent him in
which, as fate would have it, I talked about the use of the word "pimp" as an
empowerment tool. He didn't buy it. We can claim value in such words as a way of
challenging the establishment, but the people around us end up being the ultimate
arbiters of meaning. And let's face it, "pimp" really is an ugly word. Can anyone come
up with a better one? We already have "sex-worker" to replace whore, but what is a
poor pimp supposed to call himself, or herself? There must be some female pimps out
there organizing the girls and guys who actually put their asses on the line. But I am
not sure what to call them. Any ideas?
-Dr Dave